Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Sorceror
Orientation For Newly Transferred Personnel
Version 6.5 (June 2010)
Human Resources Directorate
As a newly transferred employee, it is necessary for you to acquaint yourself with the structure and operational methods of this organisation as soon as possible. Your supervisor will provide you with the documentation pertinent to your position; this general orientation is intended for the consumption of all employees. As a reminder, this and all other documentation is classified SECRET under the special provisions of Section III of the Official Secrets Act (1916) and hence is bound under the terms of your service.
You now work for a branch of Her Majesty’s civil service known as Capital Laundry Services, or the Laundry for short. The name derives from our original offices during the Second World War, and we are tasked with monitoring and containing entities and phenomena that would be considered ‘supernatural’ by the general population. This is a misnomer; all phenomena are natural to this or another universe. Reality is a considerably more porous medium than is commonly suspected.
You are required to observe security and safety precautions at all times. Keep your warrant card and employee badge on your person at all times. Use of your legal and/or true name is to be kept to a minimum; use your assigned workname for all non-essential forms, records, oaths and social interactions. Report all unusual phenomena, blood spills/bleeding, unusual temperature shifts, electrical or computer faults to a supervisor immediately. Do not repeat any unusual phrases you may hear. Do not summon up anything you cannot put down. Review the Basic Health, Safety and Security Protocols document at least once per month.
In the course of your duties, you may be called upon to serve in the field. Such duties include, but are not limited to, investigating illegal or dangerous use of magic, containment and/or banishment of ‘supernatural’ entities, testing or investigation of new magical phenomena, providing occult support to other civilian or military organisations, enacting or participating in rituals (ensure you have signed Form CF/432 before doing so) and protecting the sanity and stability of reality as we know it in general, and the United Kingdom in particular.
Secrecy is paramount in the field. Never discuss the nature of your work or the existence of the Laundry without permission. Your warrant card is enchanted to deflect suspicion and ensure your authority – use of the warrant card outside of official Laundry business is not permitted and suspected abuses will be Audited.
Before any field operation, a budget plan must be approve by your superior and on file with Financial Control. Expenditures outside of the approved operational budget allocation are the responsibility of the department and/or the individual. Similarly, use of any assets or office equipment (including wards, mobile telephones, charms, storage devices, stationary, etc.) for non-standard purposes without prior authorisation is not permitted and costs will be extracted from the relevant department. Repeated offences may be Audited.
The Laundry is an ISO9001-certified organisation, emphasising quality record keeping and formalised management and problem-solving procedures.
The near future promises exciting challenges for the Laundry. With hard work, diligence, attention to detail and a modicum of luck, we are confident that the majority of you will survive in some form.
Welcome to the Laundry!